I don't know how to let things go. I've never been one that's known how to live with the past. Forgive or forget. Every unpleasant incident haunts me to this day. I won't go searching it out but it always find me. Reaches up out of the ether like Jason Voorhees and drags me down to the murky depths. My reaction is visceral. You'll see me physically shaking my head like a demented puppy when a thought takes hold. As if it's possible to exorcise it that way. I can't think about high school and a lot of other things without flinching. It's not just things that were done to me. It's things that I have done. It's all there. Just lurking. waiting for a moment when my guard is down. Usually when something good has happened. I'll make the mistake of feeling happy or any other positive emotion and that's when the empire strikes back. So much so, you'll feel sick. My stomach will churn. I'll feel the acid rising to my throat. Every inch of me will tense like rigamortis. My breathing will become shallow and quick. The dread just washes over you in waves. It's all ridiculously excruciating. And I wonder, did it even feel this bad at the time?
A chain reaction gets set off and I'm never sure how long the captivity will be. I'm hostage to what's going on and I can't stop the influx. Thick and fast more memories to prove my unworthiness. My despicable life on trial. The shame, guilt, humiliation, hurt, anger and confusion. Swirling around all at once. A beautifully wretched concoction. It's heady grasp teasing every last drop of anguish out of my soul. So of course these demonic hosts rubbed their hands with glee when fresh fodder was provided for their amusement in the last week. I'm not going to write down specifics but it was a truly surreal experience. Especially for someone like me who's life has been extremely commonplace. I'm not used to trouble finding me. Or drama. For the most part I always know what's going to happen from one day to the next. So this threw me for a loop. And the part that stings the most. Is my own. I didn't get the ball rolling but because of who I am I didn't stop it either.
With most people I am about as compliant as you can get. Especially aquaintances or my support team. They ask me to do something. And no matter how daunting I shall attempt it. And it doesn't matter whether I am amenable to the demands. I'll still try anyway. Because I'm always wrong. Everyone else is right. What I think, feel and need doesn't matter, not ever. Everyone else is worthy. Deserves this from me. It's my constant act of contrition for my sins. I cause so much trouble. Am such a burden to all and sundry that I cannot say No. I don't have the right to say no. I need to be grateful for the attention that anyone is willing to give me. And try my hardest to make them happy because they've decided to take me on. And I don't deserve such selfless consideration. Because I'll let them down consistently. I let everyone down. It's never intentional but it happens.
And this week I have done it in spectacular fashion. Not to be melodramatic but it did feel like my whole world had blown apart. It has been so tumultuous. It led me to losing someone from my life. I never wanted this but because of the mis-steps and my inability to come to terms with things, it has happened. I know they're mad and will never forgive me. And they have every right to feel that way. I am consumed by self-reproach. It follows me everywhere. Constantly present in my mind and surging through every fibre of my being. I haven't been able to sleep but in small, feverish pockets. And when i do I'm submerged in nightmares about it. It just keeps playing over and over. A toxic little ear worm that's burying itself deeper under my skin.
I feel like I'm breaking apart. I feel like I'm going mad. I'm not sure what I'm going to think about it from one moment to the next. Never mind how I'm gong to feel. Every now and then I'll be shown mercy and hit the eye of the storm. And for a moment there's peace, there's order. It doesn't last long though & I'll run the full gamut of human emotion in just a matter of seconds. Everything from tears to laughter. The past two days I've just felt deplorable. And my mind keeps adding fuel to the fire. Making me feel like a joke. Questioning people around me. Wondering what damage this has done to their perception of me. It can't help but be deleterious. They must think I'm a total cow. The lowest of the low. Completely bat shit crazy. I just know I feel pathetic. I want to go to ground. Give people a get out of jail free card and let them wash their hands of me.
I just hope that for the first time in my life I can make peace with something. I need to get over this. I can't let it force me to spiral down any further. And I can't let it get in the way of the people left in my life. I don't want to have to push anyone away or cut them out due to shame. At worst I can see me not being able to bear being in the same room as someone I like because the imaginary recriminations will be exploding in my head & tightening my chest. I'm trying to limit the fallout. But I worry that I'll fall back on bad habits. Do something daft and cause more pain.
Sunday, 8 July 2012
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
White Noise & Neglect
I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling these days. I just know I can't summon the energy to care. I don't lift a finger in the house to cook or clean. I don't look after the pets. I do the bare minimum in self care. And only because I know if I don't watch it I'll get heat. So I do the least possible to avoid interest. To avoid intervention. Because you don't want intervention. Intervention can't save you. It won't make you care any more with someone breathing down your neck asking if you've brushed your teeth today. I don't want anything any more. I don't look forward to anything. I just try to get through the day with the least amount of upset. Don't rock the boat. I'm not overtly weepy, I'm not angry. I'm not even numb. I just am. I'm not hoping for better in the future. Seems pretty clear this is the best it'll be. I have a flat. I share it with my brother. Shouldn't that be enough. But it's not. And yet I don't know what's missing. I don't know what's gnawing away inside. That's left all my wires exposed. Would it be better if my parents where with us? No, I don't think it would. I just think I'm incapable of being happy. There's a void there that can't and won't be filled by anything. And I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I don't want to talk any more. The only thing that pricks my nerves about it all is when I get in trouble about it. And it's so childish. I don't care about having done the deed I just don't want to be caught out. And I can't stand people telling me where I'm going wrong or what I need to do. Can't stand it. It sets off all my triggers. It's that selfish bit that just wants to be left to its own devices, despite it causing trouble for other people. I just want to do what I'm doing. I just want to survive and not be given any crap about it. That's about the long and the short of it. I don't want to be disciplined.
It'd make it easier if I cared that it was upsetting people. That it was hurting people but I don't. I look at how frustrated my brother gets and I just feel blank. Or, if you can even imagine the nerve, I can feel frustrated. I don't appreciate him getting upset with me. I just want him to leave me alone to try and lose myself. I don't want to be present. I hate being present. I hate it most when we're in the middle of the town centre. it's too overwhelming. The noise is unbearable. Everyone living and complaining or rejoicing about their days and I just don't want to hear about it. I will them away in my head. All of them. I dream of that moment at the beginning of 28 days later. The streets deserted. Seems like heaven to me. When people talk around me sometimes it's so painful. Their laughs, so jaggedly pitched it rips at my flesh. You feel as if they're mocking you with every gasp. It's infuriating and you just want to scream at them to shut the fuck up. All you want is a little silence. is it too much to ask? It's all about how it's inconveniencing you, beneath you or about you in some awful way. You're simultanesouly invisible and the centre of atention all at once, all the time. There's no escape.
And you don't enjoy people's company. Like everything else you're just trying to get through. You're clock watching. Seeing the minutes drift away & wondering how many more you'll need to put in for it to appear like you're a normal human being. How much time says I care? It's all an equation, a balancing act. You're always weighing it out in your head. If I spend this much time with such and such, then I don't need to feel guilty or worry about checking in again for x amount of time. Even people you've known all your life aren't exempt. As much as you'd hoped to want to be around them you never do. It's ok when they're here. You suffer it happily but you never really enjoy it. Not entirely. Whatever that means. As much as I may want to be, I'm just not interested. It's not their fault. There's just something missing in me & I can't put my finger on what it is. And I'm pretty sure the Mighty Oz doesn't have one in stock.
I don't enjoy feeling this way. And I don't revel in people's pain... Well maybe sometimes I do. If I'm honest sometimes I quite relish picking a fight and seeing how people react. I'm not proud of it but it is there. Its always been a part of me. For the most part though I'd give anything to be a nice person. To be one of those people that light's up a room. Someone irrepressible. Incandescent. Someone that didn't have their heads firmly lodged up their own backsides and cared to make a difference. Someone that actively tried to make the world a better place. I see people like that all the time and they intrigue me. How does a person come to be that. How can a person be so good? What it must be like not to be consumed with bitterness and remorse and rage. It seems quite serene. It seems beautiful. I don't think I'll ever manage the selfless life though. I'm too caught up on what wasn't there from day one & envying all the wondrous things that happen to people now. That question just rolls over and over. Why not me? Why aren't I good enough to be loved? To be important. To be missed. To be lavished? No one would ever go out of their way to do something for me. And I hate that. I spit acid at the thought. That from day one I was deemed not good enough & there was no come back. I'm never going to be special. I'm never going to be thought of passionately by anyone. I'm never going to achieve anything of any note. I'm never going to be noticed.
The worst part is people who do have it, always want to placate you & pretend that it's not that important. That you're not missing out. When nothing could be farther from the truth. I'm so sick of being pitied & patronized. They just want to hush you up so they don't need to deal with you. That's the real truth. No one is listening. No one. We're all clock watching in our own way. We're all caught up in our own little bubbles. And do our best to minimize disturbances to our peace by any means. Regardless of collateral damage.
It'd make it easier if I cared that it was upsetting people. That it was hurting people but I don't. I look at how frustrated my brother gets and I just feel blank. Or, if you can even imagine the nerve, I can feel frustrated. I don't appreciate him getting upset with me. I just want him to leave me alone to try and lose myself. I don't want to be present. I hate being present. I hate it most when we're in the middle of the town centre. it's too overwhelming. The noise is unbearable. Everyone living and complaining or rejoicing about their days and I just don't want to hear about it. I will them away in my head. All of them. I dream of that moment at the beginning of 28 days later. The streets deserted. Seems like heaven to me. When people talk around me sometimes it's so painful. Their laughs, so jaggedly pitched it rips at my flesh. You feel as if they're mocking you with every gasp. It's infuriating and you just want to scream at them to shut the fuck up. All you want is a little silence. is it too much to ask? It's all about how it's inconveniencing you, beneath you or about you in some awful way. You're simultanesouly invisible and the centre of atention all at once, all the time. There's no escape.
And you don't enjoy people's company. Like everything else you're just trying to get through. You're clock watching. Seeing the minutes drift away & wondering how many more you'll need to put in for it to appear like you're a normal human being. How much time says I care? It's all an equation, a balancing act. You're always weighing it out in your head. If I spend this much time with such and such, then I don't need to feel guilty or worry about checking in again for x amount of time. Even people you've known all your life aren't exempt. As much as you'd hoped to want to be around them you never do. It's ok when they're here. You suffer it happily but you never really enjoy it. Not entirely. Whatever that means. As much as I may want to be, I'm just not interested. It's not their fault. There's just something missing in me & I can't put my finger on what it is. And I'm pretty sure the Mighty Oz doesn't have one in stock.
I don't enjoy feeling this way. And I don't revel in people's pain... Well maybe sometimes I do. If I'm honest sometimes I quite relish picking a fight and seeing how people react. I'm not proud of it but it is there. Its always been a part of me. For the most part though I'd give anything to be a nice person. To be one of those people that light's up a room. Someone irrepressible. Incandescent. Someone that didn't have their heads firmly lodged up their own backsides and cared to make a difference. Someone that actively tried to make the world a better place. I see people like that all the time and they intrigue me. How does a person come to be that. How can a person be so good? What it must be like not to be consumed with bitterness and remorse and rage. It seems quite serene. It seems beautiful. I don't think I'll ever manage the selfless life though. I'm too caught up on what wasn't there from day one & envying all the wondrous things that happen to people now. That question just rolls over and over. Why not me? Why aren't I good enough to be loved? To be important. To be missed. To be lavished? No one would ever go out of their way to do something for me. And I hate that. I spit acid at the thought. That from day one I was deemed not good enough & there was no come back. I'm never going to be special. I'm never going to be thought of passionately by anyone. I'm never going to achieve anything of any note. I'm never going to be noticed.
The worst part is people who do have it, always want to placate you & pretend that it's not that important. That you're not missing out. When nothing could be farther from the truth. I'm so sick of being pitied & patronized. They just want to hush you up so they don't need to deal with you. That's the real truth. No one is listening. No one. We're all clock watching in our own way. We're all caught up in our own little bubbles. And do our best to minimize disturbances to our peace by any means. Regardless of collateral damage.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)