I don't know how to let things go. I've never been one that's known how to live with the past. Forgive or forget. Every unpleasant incident haunts me to this day. I won't go searching it out but it always find me. Reaches up out of the ether like Jason Voorhees and drags me down to the murky depths. My reaction is visceral. You'll see me physically shaking my head like a demented puppy when a thought takes hold. As if it's possible to exorcise it that way. I can't think about high school and a lot of other things without flinching. It's not just things that were done to me. It's things that I have done. It's all there. Just lurking. waiting for a moment when my guard is down. Usually when something good has happened. I'll make the mistake of feeling happy or any other positive emotion and that's when the empire strikes back. So much so, you'll feel sick. My stomach will churn. I'll feel the acid rising to my throat. Every inch of me will tense like rigamortis. My breathing will become shallow and quick. The dread just washes over you in waves. It's all ridiculously excruciating. And I wonder, did it even feel this bad at the time?
A chain reaction gets set off and I'm never sure how long the captivity will be. I'm hostage to what's going on and I can't stop the influx. Thick and fast more memories to prove my unworthiness. My despicable life on trial. The shame, guilt, humiliation, hurt, anger and confusion. Swirling around all at once. A beautifully wretched concoction. It's heady grasp teasing every last drop of anguish out of my soul. So of course these demonic hosts rubbed their hands with glee when fresh fodder was provided for their amusement in the last week. I'm not going to write down specifics but it was a truly surreal experience. Especially for someone like me who's life has been extremely commonplace. I'm not used to trouble finding me. Or drama. For the most part I always know what's going to happen from one day to the next. So this threw me for a loop. And the part that stings the most. Is my own. I didn't get the ball rolling but because of who I am I didn't stop it either.
With most people I am about as compliant as you can get. Especially aquaintances or my support team. They ask me to do something. And no matter how daunting I shall attempt it. And it doesn't matter whether I am amenable to the demands. I'll still try anyway. Because I'm always wrong. Everyone else is right. What I think, feel and need doesn't matter, not ever. Everyone else is worthy. Deserves this from me. It's my constant act of contrition for my sins. I cause so much trouble. Am such a burden to all and sundry that I cannot say No. I don't have the right to say no. I need to be grateful for the attention that anyone is willing to give me. And try my hardest to make them happy because they've decided to take me on. And I don't deserve such selfless consideration. Because I'll let them down consistently. I let everyone down. It's never intentional but it happens.
And this week I have done it in spectacular fashion. Not to be melodramatic but it did feel like my whole world had blown apart. It has been so tumultuous. It led me to losing someone from my life. I never wanted this but because of the mis-steps and my inability to come to terms with things, it has happened. I know they're mad and will never forgive me. And they have every right to feel that way. I am consumed by self-reproach. It follows me everywhere. Constantly present in my mind and surging through every fibre of my being. I haven't been able to sleep but in small, feverish pockets. And when i do I'm submerged in nightmares about it. It just keeps playing over and over. A toxic little ear worm that's burying itself deeper under my skin.
I feel like I'm breaking apart. I feel like I'm going mad. I'm not sure what I'm going to think about it from one moment to the next. Never mind how I'm gong to feel. Every now and then I'll be shown mercy and hit the eye of the storm. And for a moment there's peace, there's order. It doesn't last long though & I'll run the full gamut of human emotion in just a matter of seconds. Everything from tears to laughter. The past two days I've just felt deplorable. And my mind keeps adding fuel to the fire. Making me feel like a joke. Questioning people around me. Wondering what damage this has done to their perception of me. It can't help but be deleterious. They must think I'm a total cow. The lowest of the low. Completely bat shit crazy. I just know I feel pathetic. I want to go to ground. Give people a get out of jail free card and let them wash their hands of me.
I just hope that for the first time in my life I can make peace with something. I need to get over this. I can't let it force me to spiral down any further. And I can't let it get in the way of the people left in my life. I don't want to have to push anyone away or cut them out due to shame. At worst I can see me not being able to bear being in the same room as someone I like because the imaginary recriminations will be exploding in my head & tightening my chest. I'm trying to limit the fallout. But I worry that I'll fall back on bad habits. Do something daft and cause more pain.
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