Black Swan

I'm not sure it was the best decision to watch this tonight considering how I've been feeling of late but I've been yearning to see it for so long I couldn't resist any longer.
I thought Natalie Portman portrayed Nina and her struggles beautifully. And the central theme of Swan Lake and the contest between purity and lust was hypnotic.
It also served as perhaps a heavy handed metaphor for the fracture in Nina's psyche. Though I've never been very good at much of anything I can relate to Nina's drive. Her need to be perfect, to be beautiful. And yet underneath undermining you at every little turn is that other little voice. The one that calls you unspeakable names, that laughs at you every step of the way. That whispers that you'll just never be good enough in the middle of the night. I can relate to that.
I can also relate to the idea of what Nina wanted was not what she needed. They are very different things in life. For me there's always the desire to turn away from the world. Burn all my bridges with loved ones, disappear and live on my own terms.
Those terms being, staying this little shut in who does nothing all day but tweet and watch TV. It's a nice, safe and comfortable world. Nothing is expected of me and I bear no responsibility for anyone else. Not even myself. For in this world, shameful as it is I'd have people waiting on me. I cannot tell you how domestic drudgery gets me down. Every time I stand over that stove or the sink I have a flash of me becoming my mother and I just rail against it. I've stopped pitching in around the house except for cooking occasionally. And yet I still find the time to get irrationally angry at my brother for not doing everything all the time and making me feel put upon. I get so mad at the idea of all the things I need to do in a day. It would be a cake walk for everyone else but it seems to take up all my time these appts and meetings and talking to friends. When I'm not at my appointments, the truth is I just want to be left alone, to sulk, or laze. Zone out and try and forget who and where I am. That part of me wants to stay up all night watching the latest TV shows and sleep the light of the day away. quiet and solitude, quiet and solitude. It's like a mantra that just cries out from every pore but every day I have to put ear plugs in, swallow hard against the ball of rage in my throat and do it all anyway. For example right now I should be sleeping but I can't. My petulant body is having a huff because I need sleep and have to be up early for the day hospital and I don't want to. I want to pull all the phones out of the wall and sleep for a week. And that's what I want. What I want is always in direct contradiction with what I need. With what's healthier. I can never make the good choice. I always take the candy from the stranger and each time think it'll be different. But every single time I give into that urge and the structure and the people and time almost ceases to exist. each time I just become this morose little barnacle clinging to the bedside, wishing away the sun and the people outside. And coming back from it is harder and harder every time I slip. It's always there though, gnawing away at you. Just take a day off. It'll be fine, it'll try to charm you into thinking. And it seems so appealing and you want so hard to give in and stop resisting but it never changes if you do. You get swallowed whole by the vortex every time.
 I've never thought of myself as impulsive, hysterically cautious has always been how I've viewed myself but that's starting to change. And I could see the self destructive tendencies in Nina that I had never admitted to in myself. The desire to break free but the fear and the uncertainty that come with that. The need to be perfect, to be good, to never be a burden. To always live up to expectation. Of course I've never been successful in any of those pursuits but it doesn't mean that the desire to be and do wasn't burning underneath. And just as these diametrically opposed states pulled Nina in twain I can feel them doing the same to me. The dark, jealous, self loathing, resentful side has such an alluring pull. It promises freedom. A life without constraints but it's a lie. Yet every time I hear the pied piper calling I follow blindly into the breach. The lust to be free of it all, to not care, to not worry is too seductive just like the dark swan princess of Swan Lake.