Weary Weekend

I didn't get up till 5:30pm on Saturday. And that was as active as it got. I flounced onto the sofa and lay there in the dark, staring out into the distance for another 3 hours. except for a brief spat with my brother. Which was out of worry mostly. A short argument about cleaning because his depression really gets him angry and he tends to lash out about daft stuff. As we all do from time to time. Me being me though, he can't say anything to me and I mean anything without me taking it the wrong way. especially feeling the way I have. So I wandered sobbing back into my bedroom and I lay there. The howls were not under my control they never are. And I finally made a screaming noise that emanated from deep within me. A true howl of despair. he came and checked up on me and we straightened things out and as usual he gave me advice and told me things I should try to do and things I shouldn't do. Because he wants me to be happy and hates seeing me like this. Hates seeing me do this to myself. So after that I dragged my feet back out to the sofa and lay again in the dark. Just staring. I didn't check my phone, turn on the TV or use the laptop. I didn't want to do any of that. I just wanted to lay there and have the world wash over me. Call it my own special brand of passive resistance. I never try to fight the waves, I just let them take me and ride it out till I can come up for air again. I eventually shifted sometime after 9pm to eat two bowls of muesli and shuffle back into the living room. As it goes when Dave doesn't want me to cook for us I won't bother to make anything for myself. So I fought myself for a good hour. I was either going to eat nothing or everything, there's no in between. And when I noticed a Domino's voucher my fate was sealed. I ended up getting a large stuffed crust pizza, garlic bread and two boxes of cookies. Getting up to get the door for the delivery guy was the last bit of movement I did apart from the shuffle back to bed in the wee hours.

Sunday went much the same, apart from no takeaway and I at least turned on the TV. I've now went for a shower to try and shake myself into reality but it's not working. I'm still going to try and get a little art work done for tomorrow's OT class. Who knows whether I will or not. It's all up in the air. I've been sitting going through the distraction list and there's not a single thing on there that I can face doing. Time is fast approaching 1am and my brother will probably be coming in to sit and watch Night of Champions with me. It might give me a nudge, not sure.