Fragile

Today on and off the waterworks have been in action. The only appropriate place they showed up was my psychology appointment this afternoon. I thought I was doing pretty good all in all this week so far. Then an off the cuff remark made about a song I was listening to made me tear up. It really cut me to the quick, my brother's incredulity at a song that I liked and even though a daft pop song made me feel better about me. And not many things make it feel okay to be me.
Of course me being me I couldn't express any of this to him for fear he may think me silly. So I just let it lie. After that I did okay. I even had a laugh here and there and talked a little on Twitter. I pottered around, made dinner and watched some television. I guess watching Joan Rivers frank documentary on More4 started chipping away at me.
My empathy went into overdrive as I felt so sorry for all the pain and loneliness she'd experienced. I couldn't relate to all of it. Most definitely not losing a husband to suicide but I could really see her heart was on her sleeve and I felt a kinship as daft as that may seem. So I got up and decided to go get into my PJ's, shake off the moroseness and get some hamster high as I call it.
Although in this case it was a gerbil high I was after. I wandered into my brother's room to see the girls and watch them scurry about. It never fails to make me smile. I had to go the extra hog though and I stuck my hand int he tank. I love it when they come sit on me. And Venus did just that, nuzzling in and playing about. While she was sitting on my palm, Luna ran underneath my forearm and I thought was sniffing me till I felt her bite down. She didn't break the skin but it definitely smarted. So shaking it off I tried earning some affection with a treat. Again though she came straight up to my hand and bit me.
I was getting paranoid by this stage so let it be for a few moments and after I saw she was okay with my brother tried again. Yet straight away she bit down.
That was it for me. I was heartbroken and if I think about it now while typing I'm sure I'll start crying again.
Coming back to the Joan Rivers thing again, what I could really understand was the need to be loved. That's all I've ever really wanted. To be liked. Loved by someone. To fit in and be part of the crowd. I never have been though no matter how hard I tried. And I tried desperately in high school. Oh it's painful to think about now about how I would twist myself for them all, pathetic really. No matter what I've ever done, I've never felt it was good enough. Not for my parents, friends, the world in general and most of all for me.
My pets have always existed outside of the harsh rules that I set for myself. They have truly been the most joyful part of my life. I feel contentment with them that I don't ever experience outside of our time together. Whether they do or they don't I've always felt such unconditional love from them. I feel wholly myself when I'm holding them and I feel at peace. My heart swells with joy that I can't even begin to explain.
And tonight when Luna kept biting me I felt so dejected. It was like having all that joy ripped away. I had been rejected. Like I was back in high school and the bullies where right that I was a lost cause. No one ever will or ever could love me. I have nothing to offer and I'm so wholly abhorrent that even sweet furry little gerbils are disgusted by my presence. My brother has told me not to take it personally and I know it's her nature, females are always more aggressive but there's a part of me that's just so sad and can't let it go. I just want to hold her and love her but she doesn't want me. And this will keep me up all night now. I know I won't sleep and right now I'm not sure if I can stop crying. I just wonder if there's ever going to be a day where I don't feel so alone and outcast.