Make it Okay

Been in a funk since late Sunday night. And since there's no more to eat to push down what I'm feeling it's all bursting out. I was sobbing for about 30 minutes or something there. Real desperate screamy sobs that hollow you out. And I'm doing my best to control it because it'll probably be freaking out the neighbours never mind my brother. I feel so lonely tonight. So desperately lonely. And i just want someone to sit with me, hug me and tell me it's all going to be okay. But there's no one. And why's that? Because I've trained everyone to give me a wide berth when I'm feeling low. I go and skulk away in a corner and cry and sleep and shuffle about. Do I want to go through it alone? No. Will I ask anyone for anything or to sit with me when I feel this way? No. So there you have it. I'm between a rock and a hard place. If I asked my brother would come sit with me. If I asked my best friend would come sit with me. But I can't ask because I know they'd rather be doing other things and already have enough to worry about without carrying me from crisis to crisis. Even though I really want them to. And i really want my Mum and Dad to be here. I miss them so much, there are really no words. And people keep telling me that I have a bus pass I can go there anytime I feel like it. And yup I know I have free travel but it's a bit more complicated than that. I really can't bear being in that house. And it kills me to see them there. So I end up leaving feeling worse than when I arrived. And I don't know what to do with it.
And I really can't explain in words why it's so difficult to be there so other people definitely can't understand.

Didn't go into the day hospital either today., Couldn't face it. Not in this mood. I can't even cry around my best friend of 20 years so there's no way I could let myself be that vulnerable with people I'm not sure I can trust. If I lost it there in front of the group I don't think I'd go back. So here I am. Lost, lonely and really desperate for a bar of chocolate and a big old bear hug but I'll get none of that. I'll just keep wandering off into my room and crying inconsolably and pulling away from all and sundry because it's all i know how to do. I don't want to be a burden. I hate it enough that I can't control the crying. I wish I could have my bedroom sound proofed so I could sneak away and sob and leave my brother from being put out or worried. It's not my intention to worry anyone. It's also not my intention to be any one's problem. I just won't and can't do it. I already hate it enough when I have to ask my brother to go get things for me when I just can't get over the door. It shouldn't fall to him to pick up the pieces for me. Even today I got my Mum to call the hospital to say I wouldn't be in. In a staring contest with the phone I always blink first. I just sit and look at the digits and think of how I'll have to explain myself and I just can't bear it. Not looking forward to tomorrow when I come clean with the daft reason I couldn't make myself go in today. My brother already can't believe that something could get to me so much but it does. The simple truth is that no matter what I'm doing there's only two outcomes, win or lose. Doesn't matter if it's making, toast, dinner, a cup of tea or the art classes at the hospital. I either fail or I don't. That's the only options. There's no pride, just worry. Panic about being dreadful, standing out. I can't bear the idea of it. So the fact I'm struggling to do the work for my art class and may not finish an animation like everyone else, it crushed me. Crushes me still. I feel nauseated every time I think about going into the class. All I can see now is that I'm floundering. I doubt anyone else sees it that way. They're just getting along with their ideas or they're not. I don't think they could give two hoots either way. me on the other hand. All I can do is think about it. It's been twisting over and over and over in my head ever since I knew that people were going to see this. I've been obsessing about it. And even though I've told my key worker that I've been enjoying the classes that's only because up till now I seemed to have a direction and I thought I knew how to pull it off. I'm only happy or at ease  if I know that I'm on track.

This is why I just couldn't cope with doing those zumba classes with my SW. I was beyond terrible at it. I know it wasn't just me that was struggling with the moves but unlike other people I don't have a sense of humour about it. I can't see the funny side. I just saw that I was useless and that everyone else must have been looking at me wondering why I even bothered turning up. My stomach was churning the whole time and my eye's were burning from fighting back the tears. I just wanted it to be over. I felt humiliated. I felt weak. I came home, cried and went to bed early. I try to be honest in a round about sort of a way when people ask how I'm doing. Especially online friends. But I'm wondering if I should even stop doing that. Who does it serve really. Can anyone really be bothered to listen to me? It's not like anyone can help anyway, so why bother people with it. I do need to get better at least at telling them something and not just shutting down. It's inconsiderate. I just get to a place where I can't even have a light on never mind the phone or the laptop. I just wish I knew how to let go of the reigns. It would be so much easier if everything wasn't always at stake. If things don't go exactly how I believe they should it's a failure. My expectations are so skewed that I can never be anything but unhappy but I don't know how to change it. My brother and friend telling me that it was just a bit of fun and whether I did anything or not didn't matter as long as I enjoyed the class didn't make a jot of difference. I would tell anyone else the same thing. I'm not irrational I know that the way I behave in regards to me is ridiculous. I would never put these expectations on someone else but whatever I tell myself or whatever anyone else seems to tell me it never changes. There's always just right and wrong. And I'm always wrong.