Sunday Brain Strain

The last few days my head has been swirling with all sorts of nonsense so I'm going to try and exorcise them from my grey matter. The usual negative diatribe of course was front and centre. And one or two issues from earlier in the week keep gnawing at me. Like the frustration I felt finally getting to the bank after 3 cancelled appointments to find out none of what my homemaker promised we could do could be done. And I ended up no further along and £50 lighter. The thing that I have been ruminating over the most however is my last meeting with my SW. It was a little strange. We didn't do anything apart from drive about. That's not the strange part however. It was that she was chatting away to me about her home life and actually acknowledged their had been a role reversal.

Usually she talks a lot about her kids etc. And I figured she must do this with everyone of her clients, must be her way of connecting with them and giving them examples that they're not alone. Apparently not though. Apparently I have the great honour of being her sounding board. And I have to be honest I'm not great at it. I think its because after almost 2 years seeing her I'm still pretty much all but mute and I guess there is just a lot of dead air to fill. I've mentioned before the way she treats me bothers me somewhat. She treats me more like a daughter a lot of the time than a client. And I find that hard to deal with. I don't even have the energy or ability to be there for the people I already care about a lot and its just added another one to the pile. Yay for more guilt. It means that I absolutely dont want to let her down and wouldn't dream of telling my Psychologist when things get uncomfortable for me.

And it also means I feel unable to tell her to her face if things are getting uncomfortable and I wish I could. She keeps telling me that it won't hurt her feelings but I don't believe her. And I especially couldn't have done it that days as she was particularly worried about one of her kids. Whom apparently was verging into my territory. She was obvioulsy worried but she had the strangest attitude toward it considering her line of work. She was adamant that despite the incident that occurred she wansnt going to go down the path of talking to the GP or other MH professionals about it. She didn't want her kid to go down the same route as me and she asked when my problems has started. And it was obvious that her kid being like me was her worst nightmare. And I still don't know how I feel about that. I guess I'm mad. I'd like to think I have some positive qualities despite my problems. Not that I'd be able to admit any but I do hope that there's something of worth in me. And I'm mad too that if there is a problem she'd rather pretend everything was okay instead of maybe getting her kid help. It makes me wonder what stock any of these people at the CMHT actually put in their work. If they don't believe in it, how can I?