Moth Dance

So here it is. Almost 4am and still no sleep. And probably none anytime soon. The bulb has went in my bedside lamp so I've had to turn on the light. This is far too bright to sleep with on.Yet I'm still not comfortable enough here to sleep without a light. I need a safety blanket. Especially considering the batshit insane things than roll around inside my noggin. Switching on the light in the kitchen and the bathroom scares me. Sometimes outright panics me, especially at night. Particularly when I'm alone. I have this strange sense of dread when the flickering occurs, like Pinhead from Hellraiser or the overused scary chick with black hair from japanese horror flicks will come crawling out at me. I kid you not these thoughts actually pass through my skull.
What is it about the space inbetween light and dark that unnerves me so?
I guess it's possibilities that immobilise me. My head always has a field day reaching for the million and one answers to "What could go wrong here?" No matter how outlandish, they arise and frightfully so.
I'm sure it all has its roots in my parents overprotective ways. I could never go anywhere without it being a military operation. I went to a Take That concert in Manchester when in highschool and I was grilled for about 2 weeks before going by my dad. I had to promise to take a note of the bus number plate, the name of the driver, where we were parked etc and I had to absolutely without question call him the moment I arrived.
It was like that with everything. Even just going to my cousins birthday party when she turned 18 I had to constantly call and check in. And if I couldn't for whatever reason I would panic like you would not believe.
All my nights out where consumed with the fear of not being able to do as I'd been asked. I'd worry about facing my angry father and just couldn't have any fun.
I'm 30 now and don't live at home but I still call to check in if I'm out. If I didn't my poor Mum would bear the brunt of his unecessary worry.
So the what ifs have played a massive role in my life, they were the seeds from which my anxiety and panic grew to the point where I'm now ruled by them.
So now even the flickering of a striplight floods my neurons with numerous and ever ghastly outcomes before it's all laid to rest when the light bursts out and sends calm across the land again.
Well not calm really. Takes a while to come down after but at least reason prevails, if nothing else does.