Three is a Magic Number

In more ways than one.

I won't be seeing my psychologist or support worker for the next three weeks.
My support worker is actually off on a four week holiday to visit her husband in Australia and my psychologist felt it best to give me some time to adjust to the flat and start sleeping before we met again.
I can't say that I'm all that bothered about not seeing my SW for a month. As some people on a closed Facebook group know she said something to me a few weeks ago that left me reeling.
She basically insinuated I was committing fraud by spending a weekend at my parents. Forget that I'd managed a week at the flat before heading home and that I haven't been back since. Apparently that wasn't good enough so they thought they'd put the frighteners on me. She also told me I was being selfish if I didn't move in (even though I had) because my brother can't live here if I'm not here and my parents wouldn't get any help.

Talk about putting the weight of the world on your shoulders.
I could tell she was trying to turn the screws on me and I also knew her saying this was coming from my psychologist was nonsense. My psychologist would never ever be as tactlessly blunt as what my SW can be. She has been pushing me toward moving out for a long time and I could tell she was both frustrated and baffled that not only was I not going at the speed she wanted but I also wasn't loving it.
She can't grasp my reaction to this move in the slightest. It's all black and white. Pro and con for her.

It was always the CMHT's belief not mine that my parents home environment was the driving force behind my anxiety and depression.
And I agree not having access to the basics like warm water, working shower and toilet might have had a negative influence on my mood but it was never the core of the problem.
I had to fight the urge pretty hard to pull away entirely from the CMHT and just return to my dark little box room.
I wanted so badly to show them that they couldn't manipulate me or tell me who or what I am and what I have the right to do.
But that was just the anger talking and if I did do that I knew that would be selfish. Its ok if I'm suffering at my own hands but not anybody else. I want better for them.

So all in all I'm looking forward to not having to deal with the appointments for the next few weeks and working at my own pace without interruption or coercion.
And to celebrate my brother and I are having a friend down to stay at the end of the week. Hopefully it'll help me relax and shut my brain off for even a few minutes. We're going to head to the cinema and will be probably watching a few scary flicks and foreign goodies in between playing games and good talks. I'm also looking forward to Thursday because we'll finally be able to move my hamster Smudge into the flat. I miss having my little fuzzball around. It's reassuring hearing him running in his wheel in the wee small hours. Will probably help me focus on something other than the usual argy bargy going on outside at the weekend here.