Same old, same old

I really should blog more often. I do appreciate the help that my Twitter friends gave me when making the decision about whether or not to move but essentially this is supposed to be a private dumping ground for the toxic waste my mind so generously creates in plentiful gallons.

Yesterday was a bad one for my brother and me. We butted heads, both of us were crying and neither one of us has gotten much sleep. We're both more than a little lost right now. Struggling to find a routine or a purpose for ourselves. When I lived at home my routine essentially revolved around my Mum. If she was going out I would go out and I would help her with the shopping. It was my one way of contributing. She did everything for me. Cleaned my clothes, made sure I ate at least one meal a day and she motivated me to go out.

Now I'm here and everything is new and scary and I'm finding it hard to get over the doorstep. Which is not what I was hoping for. I was hoping I'd move here and be able to get the bus home every day or every other day and do all the things for my Mum that she did for me but I'm still failing her. And its twice as bad knowing she's at home with my Dad, currently bogged down with a virus and the flu as well as her mobility issues and he's still making her look after him. He does nothing. Just lays there and criticises and lays the blame for the condition of the house at her door. Such a crock of shit. We all helped it get that way and he decided not to fix anything that was broken along the way so the challenges just mounted.

I always want to do better by people but can never seem to make that wish become a reality so I beat myself up about it even more. I know where I'm going wrong and I know what I should be doing but for whatever reason, laziness, indifference, ineptitude I never seem to make the changes. Its just one long unbroken cycle. The same old sob story.